morning

It is my Sunday morning. High noon. Outside the sprinklers are misting on a lawn that I don’t actually care for. I pay for that. Cool Kids lyrics keep popping up in my head even though I’m listening to Explosions. Life in Pullman has begun to get interesting.

This place. It’s always changing for me. Evolving. Right now I find myself with all these really awesome/beautiful/fun/interesting puzzle pieces that don’t want to fit together. It is that complex where you see that the pieces are the right shapes for each other but you have to force them in with your thumb. Although it might look okay, you pretty much know they aren’t right. Then it’s the long “sigh” and you take them apart [sometimes I just throw them over my shoulder to forget about] . Reluctantly.

Every time I put my posters on the wall they will fall down. I don’t know why. There is enough tack on each edge to keep them there, yet they fall. So is it a sign that my world map, phases of the sun and Harry Potter posters keep falling? Probably not, but it’s pissing me off.

Tarot cards on my side table. It was a spur-of-the-moment purchase for Christina and myself.

Incense-burning-watch-the-wheels-turning-as-time-goes-by-I’m-learning.

Owl mug. Remnant of coffee in a small ring around the bottom edge of the cup.

Puzzle pieces are puzzling. Fit together, please.

 

currently listening to: All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone, Explosions in the Sky

my bed

(pretentious music playing in the background)

 

Life starts back up tomorrow. So nervous. I can’t do math and I can’t open up a jar of jam. How exactly am I supposed to survive?

 

currently listening to: Late Nineties Bedroom Rock for the Missionaries by Broken Social Scene

replays

I can’t stop picturing what I saw. And then imagining what played out after. I just keep seeing it all again. Bother.

I’m ready to get out of Boise and back to my normal life. I plan on leaving unfinished business here so I don’t have to deal with it now. Easy way out.

 

currently listening to: Sinkin Soon by Norah Jones

say a word for Ginger Brown

Woke up this morning and as I started yawning…everything turned into music.

coffee dripping, Sodom South Georgia, chattering birds, faucet leaking, the tapping of my keyboard

 

Today was supposed to be a real work day, I was supposed to wear some heels and drift on down State Street. Instead I googled “premature hair loss”. Get out of the kitchen, into the closet and out of the door.

currently listening to: Oh! Sweet Nuthin by the Velvet Underground

one day of 20 years old down

Today was my first full day of being twenty. I feel younger.

I wish I could’ve left some things in 19. Today proves I haven’t really learned much in 365 days. Same habits. Same mindset. I should know better than to put chips in on this bet.

Last summer: this same time, same way of thinking. Fooled again.

I guess I could grow up this year.

currently listening to: Once Upon a Time by AIR

I miss the college-ness of Pullman. The suburbs just don’t give off the free spirit/youth vibe. I feel so old living in Eagle. Surrounded by minivans and family dogs. I find myself constantly finding ways to escape:

dressing up to work downtown, going out for coffee solo, diving into music, planning my Band of Horses trip, buying furnishings for my new apartment in Pullman, starting Catcher in the Rye (five times so far), trying hard to write this blog, overthinking my plans for Fall

I mostly miss all my girl friends. Half of them won’t be there for Fall. Off on their separate ways. I’m positive that nothing will compare to sophomore year at Wazzu.

Currently listening to: Hotcha Girls by Ugly Casanova

Before bed thought

Could life be any more stressful? Isn’t this summer vacation?

Does anyone else feel like they need a weekend every other day?

One of these days I’ll write something useful in this blog.

just another middle of the night thought

(spoiler alert: this actually doesn’t make any sense.)

Just finished watching American Beauty and I’m left with the thought of “if I were to die at this instant in my life, would I die happy and fulfilled?”

No. I haven’t done a lot of things with my life that I’ve planned. I still want to travel, find a lover, influence someone, donate a huge amount of money, hold thousands of dollars in my hand, go streaking, do a keg stand. There are literally hundreds of things I have planned for myself that I haven’t even begun to do. I’d doubt if I’ve done twenty of them.

But I just watched a movie. Life doesn’t all work out like in American Beauty where all of a sudden you accomplish pure blissful happiness within days. I’m okay with that. We don’t all get to backpack through Europe and meet a beautiful Spaniard and drink wine for two weeks straight. We don’t all get a marriage proposal while dancing barefoot in the rain. We don’t all win the lottery and get to buy an island in the Pacific where we can reach peaceful seclusion.

However, if I died now I would be very happy with how I’ve lived my life. I am a great person with a ton to offer. And now I’m well on my way to everything I want. If I think of myself ten years from now I see someone who worked really hard, took every opportunity and made everything in their life incredibly cool.

The truth is that most of us have to get by in life without handouts and miracles. We have bills to pay and rules to break. Movies are where humans got the notion in visual form that as you are walking away from the most important person in your life, you’ll both turn back with tears in your eyes and run to eachother’s waiting arms.

Miracles happen. So do tragedies, and they don’t always end up happy. And there isn’t always a moral to the story. Work hard, or don’t. Do whatever you please, in fact.

 I’m very happy either way.

I know this didn’t make sense–I wrote it. But once again…I’m awesome AND happy.

 

currently listening to: On the Bus Mall by The Decemberists

This was home

The drive back to Boise was long. After a long night of partying in Pullman it makes going home seem like a chore. Driving five hours–on three hours sleep–to rest in a bed that doesn’t feel like mine anymore. It was nice to be left alone to my own thoughts though. And my own choice in music. Redisovery of Why?’s Alopecia.

Making a right turn onto Floating Feather was odd. This realization of where I came from. Suburbia. Endless lined trees and winding bike paths. Cute children with pink helmets pedaling behind their parents. Hanging flower baskets. Teenagers wearing Hollister hoodies.

College Hill. I miss it already. Roommates that are over the age of sixteen. A messy room that can stay messy. One that is filled with just my own junk and not painted “Tinkerbell Green”. There aren’t any shirtless men playing croquet  here. 

But there is always ice cream in the freezer. 

My mom was incredibly happy to see me and I wish I didn’t look so tired for her.

It’s a relief to not worry about school and the station. No wait, I’m still worrying about those. Correction: it’s nice  to be so far away that it is hard to worry. But now I have rice bowls to fill and another radio station to keep me occupied. And coding tweets about #amazonfail. “Happy summer,” said through a tight smile. I know it will be good for me.

Boise I love you, but you’re bringing me down.

 

currently listening to: Cat Power

First(ish) Blog

Lately I have felt like a very accomplished person. With school, work, family and friends…it is ALL good.

Recent accomplishments:

• semi-successful KZUU No Stress Fest (very stressful)
• hired at Northwest Public Radio
• hired at The Daily Evergreen Advertising Dept
• began a book I bought a long time ago (The Virgin of Flames)
• did not finish the same book because I studied
• finally listened to Mocky
• landed volunteer work at Boise Community Radio
• took care of my family at a funeral
• finished KZUU purchases for stickers, kazoos and sunglasses
• became an adult
• created a blog

This is Pullman,

Chelan

 

currently listening to: I Know You Are But What Am I? by Mogwai